I'm back... with Christmas blues

I think I can officially crown myself queen of procrastination. So 7 whole months have passed since my last entry... I have settled very well into my job and still really enjoying it. I was hoping for a (big) pay rise this month as December is pay review, but with the current climate I'm just counting myself lucky I even have a job! They made a whole bunch of redundancies last week. It's never a good time to lose your job, but the week before Christmas must be a bit of a shitter.

The last few months have zoomed by. Is it me or is it the older you get, the quicker life seems to go? I hate this time of year. I don't like Christmas as it usually involves some sort of dysfunctional family experience and I think new year is even worse. This year I would like to take Valium and sleep through the whole thing! January is just as bad as it's a long, drawn out, depressing month. Although this year I have 3 whole weeks off! Which is fantastic as the last 2 Christmases I pretty much had to work through.

So there is one fairly exciting thing that occurred in the last few months. I kind of got involved with someone. I say involved... we flirted a lot and ended up kissing a couple of times. We were in bed together one time but he literally jumped out in a panic. This man is my boss. I started to like him but thought nothing of it. He's a bit older (when I say bit, I mean nearing 20 years) and not the hottest of blokes. But I think he is amazing, clever and funny. I love being around him and I love the way he looks at me. Anyway, it was short lived and he has gone back to NYC now. (He was only ever temporarily here.) Anyway, it wasn't anything major. Although saying that, he has been the only man I have liked for a year! (I have seemingly taken a year off from my love life!)

He has called a number of times since and recently I got a an offer to spend some time over there. So everything was booked, but after some deliberation, we have decided it's not the best of ideas. (So momentarily I was looking forward to new year!) I was always in 2 minds, so I thought I'd speak to him about it - I wanted to see what his reaction was. Turns out he got in there first and he was feeling the same way. Part of me understands, part of me wanted him to say 'fuck it, let's just go with it' and part of me wonders why he bothered suggesting it (and going through with buying the ticket etc.) in the first place. Surely he thought this through before inviting me? I never thought it was the best of ideas. He was asking if I had an argument otherwise, but I'm not about to start begging someone to spend time with me. The trip would have been amazing and fun, but long term I guess this is better for my sanity. There are lots of little facts I have missed out... here's one or two. He's divorced and has a bit of a reputation. I could sit here and write about all the things he's told me and all the things I've heard about him but it would be too long and drawn out.

I will always debate how much he likes me. I am done being an ego boost for men. He didn't follow through sleeping with me... does that make him a good guy (not taking advantage of a younger woman who works in the same company) or bad guy (in that he likes me but doesn't like me enough to go through with it.) He didn't follow through with the trip even though he paid for the ticket. Good guy (worried for both of us job wise, too risky) or bad guy (likes the idea that a young woman would want to spend her new year with him but doesn't like the idea enough to go through with it). Anyway I could go on and analyse both sides forever. As you can see I think far too much about things. I have just given a brief general summary of what has happened and I haven't gone into much depth either of the lead up to what happened or what words have been exchanged between us. But it could lead to one very long post. Feel free to vote on my poll on the right hand side: 'Is it ever a good idea to get involved with your boss?'

What to do for new year now...?

Crikey...

Has it only been a week and a half? It has flown by. My work load picked up as there is a busy weekend coming up! Busy busy busy! Tired. I'm not going to say much as I'm off to bed soon.

We had just over a week of glorious sunshine here in London, but it turned today! That's probably our summer gone. It lasted longer than the week of sunshine we had last year (in April!) I love it when it's warm and sunny. Everyone is in a good mood and the world just feels good. But back to doom and gloom! That's the one think I hate about this country - weather.

I spent last weekend with a friend who is getting married in July. A rather large do - hindu wedding. Can't wait. Yet jealous (in a nice way). I have been officially single for almost 3 years. I had one 'relationship' in between that lasted over a year, but it turned out to be a waste of time. A story that could be a blog in itself. Maybe for another time. My ex-boyfriend is also a whole blog in itself! He became a born again christian while we were going out! I've been burnt too many times, so there's probably a deeper reason as to why I have been single for so long. I don't trust men. I'm not sure I would know how to think about someone else in my life - it's difficult when you have been on your own for a long time. And London is not an easy place to meet people, much to people's belief. British men are rubbish and I always attract the wrong ones. I have had the odd older man ask me out (and I mean older!) Because I'm of chinese origin, there are certain men who think I am the subservient type like some fellow counterparts. I hate to generalise, but hey, I just have. Anyway, i'm sure my time will come... I hope.

And just of note, I still haven't changed the battery in my watch... and I am still wearing it. In fact, I am considering buying a new watch. Not because I can't be bothered to get a new battery... it is very old. Well, actually - it probably is coz I wouldn't be considering buying a new watch!

I'll be back to normal in a week or two...

Even a stopped watch tells the right time twice a day

I looked at my watch today and realised that it is still broken! It stopped about a month ago and I still have it on my wrist. This is one of my procrastinating moments. I will eventually get it fixed... I just don't know when yet! I've always thought I'd feel naked without a watch, yet it is seemingly pointless that it does not serve its purpose anymore. It only makes me think "I must get the battery changed" a number of times a day. Although I am learning that it won't tell me the time and looking at it less and less. It will soon be purely decorative.

I've had somewhat of a dull week, yet it's been great. Just easing myself into the job. I'm having to adjust my time (without my trusty watch). I'm a bit of a night owl. I can't help but go to bed late and have never been much of a morning person. But here I am, a changed woman. I didn't make many plans this week so I could be fresh faced for the job, so there is not much to report I'm afraid. Other than the company I work for is great, the people are really nice and it is such an exciting and great time to join them for where the company is going. I feel so lucky I got this job, so grateful and so happy. Things are looking up.

Bank holiday weekend coming up... 3 days off and the sunshine will be out. (supposedly!) So the coming week should be more exciting and I'll have more interesting things to report other than a watch that only tells the right time twice a day!

The night before a new beginning

I start my new job tomorrow - finally! So I never actually did anything productive (as expected) in the last few days. I did, however, develop a cough and I'm so annoyed that I will be coughing and spluttering on my first day of my new job! So I've finally got myself a career. My previous job was also in the arts but more on the retail/sales side of things with unsociable hours and no career progression whatsoever. I've got me a REAL job - finally! Phew - I sometimes thought the day would never come. All I have to do now is prove myself... no pressure there then! (Silently preparing myself to knock their socks off! I don't know how yet, but I'll try my damn hardest!)

I'm so excited, the nerves have calmed down to a halt (due to my week of relaxing), but I'm sure they will come flooding back tomorrow morning! It reminds me of those feelings that I (and I think most people) had when a new school year was starting. Getting everything prepared. Ready for the go. I am almost prepared - just an outfit to choose. Although I think the preparation has changed. Back then, it was making sure you had all your stationary... hmmm... is that all we had to prepare? Er... anyway... today I plucked my eyebrows, did my nails. Generally groomed myself. And when my alarm goes off tomorrow morning, I will instantly get up (although this remains to be seen) and get ready for my first day at my new job. Usually I would press snooze a number of times until I absolutely must get out of bed with enough time to shower, throw my clothes on and and run out of the door. But not tomorrow. I will get up with plently of time to take my time getting ready and all being well turn up to work early. But with the existence of sod's law I'm sure the gods will make it difficult for me. For any non-Londoners, I am talking about London public transport! Need I say more?

However, my holidays are on my mind. I had informed them of my holidays which have been booked for quite sometime. The problem is they clash with 2 very important dates for the business, as well as being in 6 weeks time. I had looked into rescheduling but it would be at the cost of about £350 (for myself and a friend). I had asked if there would be any sort of reimbursment, but it seems they would rather me go on holiday! Right decision? I hope so. If it had been a small holiday in Europe or somewhere cheap, then I would have considered giving it up as this job is important to me. However, I am off to the Americas, so it's quite a big loss if I don't go, as well as pissing my friend off! I think almost all people I have discussed it with said to just go and soon enough it will be forgotten about. I hope so!

Also, I'm going to go in on my first day and inform them that I am expecting a delivery guy to come to swap a package. I only wish this were more exciting than it sounds! My phone broke last week and the phone company are coming to collect it and drop off a new phone. This service can only be done through the week! Not a huge deal, such as life. But I'm going to walk in there tomorrow, with everyone knowing I'm going on holidays soon, (I also queried the salary but I guess no one will know about this), already getting personal deliveries and coughing up my guts. I so wanted to make a good impression! Am I being paranoid? Probably.

I'm sure I have a sleepless night ahead...

The First Blog

Well, not sure how to start. Feels like a 'dear diary' moment.

I'm not sure where to begin. I could do a 'brief' recap of my life, but it would take too long and probably be utterly boring! I could do a recap of my short life in London, but also (not so) long and boring. So maybe my life as it is now...

I start my new job on Monday - I work in the arts. I had spent my working life down here (1 1/2 years) working for arseholes and wondered what I did to deserve it? I spent most of my time in misery wondering why my life has been entwined with these people. Seriously, they were total arseholes! Anyway, it's not worth going into. My life with them is over now and I don't have to think about them anymore. I can concentrate on my new career, which I'm really excited about. I can't wait. I mentioned my new company to an aquaintance in the arts before I got a job offer and she said 'if you get in with them, you'll be made.' So I guess I've made it! So hopefully I won't fuck up!

So I've had a week off work and I've pretty much done nothing! I've been wasting away and felt a bit crap for it. It was nice to relax at first, but then it gets a bit boring doesn't it? I finally got myself together today and went shopping and spent loads of money I shouldn't have! But hey, at least I got out further than my local shop. I know I should've taken a trip or something, but funds are low for the first time since I've started working down here. After my little shopping trip out, I came home and stuck some stuff on Ebay which I'd been meaning to do for quite sometime. You will learn that I am quite the procrastinator. I eventually get things done, but I take my sweet time about it and probably annoy people in the process talking about it...

Like this blog for example. A friend inspired me to start this - many moons ago. I kept a diary through most of my teens up until the age of about 20. That was 5 years ago... I have collected many blank books that would make nice diaries, but never quite got round to starting it again. Ok, that's a lie, I tried last year when I was away travelling. I tried the recap method and found that there was too much and never even finished the recap!

My mind has been wondering a lot this week. Partly because I've spent most of it on my own as everyone else is at work. But also, it has been 9 years since the death of my dad. 9 years! I can't believe it. I knew the date was coming up, but I think for the first time on that day, I didn't wake up thinking about it. I didn't even realise the day until around lunch time when I saw the date on my laptop. I'm not quite sure how that makes me feel. I was never close to him at all. In fact, I bordered on hating him. But it's not something I want to get into too much right now. I'm sure I'll have some of those days where I will open up and spill all. In brief, a very difficult relationship. One that still confuses (not sure if this best describes it) me to this day. He was never around that much as he was working all the time, yet he has been a big presence in my life. But there were so many hurdles that we never got over, and I'm pretty sure if he was still around that the hurdles would still be there - language barrier, cultural differences, lack of any affection or emotion (except being pissed off and angry were pretty easy to show), these being the main problems. Anyway, I come across these moments of time in my life where I think about him quite a lot. It is said that I haven't dealt with his death yet, but I'm still wondering how you are supposed to deal with death? I'm one of these people who can be very up and down - too much of a thinker. But life has been pretty ok recently.

So aaaanyway... back to my week. I have 3 more days of freedom. I say I'm bored, but I'm sure I will want the time off again when I start work. I wish I could've done something more productive (I'm talking about it as if it's over!) But I know myself. The procrastinator.

Hmmm, first blog done! Not as difficult as I thought...