I'm back... with Christmas blues

I think I can officially crown myself queen of procrastination. So 7 whole months have passed since my last entry... I have settled very well into my job and still really enjoying it. I was hoping for a (big) pay rise this month as December is pay review, but with the current climate I'm just counting myself lucky I even have a job! They made a whole bunch of redundancies last week. It's never a good time to lose your job, but the week before Christmas must be a bit of a shitter.

The last few months have zoomed by. Is it me or is it the older you get, the quicker life seems to go? I hate this time of year. I don't like Christmas as it usually involves some sort of dysfunctional family experience and I think new year is even worse. This year I would like to take Valium and sleep through the whole thing! January is just as bad as it's a long, drawn out, depressing month. Although this year I have 3 whole weeks off! Which is fantastic as the last 2 Christmases I pretty much had to work through.

So there is one fairly exciting thing that occurred in the last few months. I kind of got involved with someone. I say involved... we flirted a lot and ended up kissing a couple of times. We were in bed together one time but he literally jumped out in a panic. This man is my boss. I started to like him but thought nothing of it. He's a bit older (when I say bit, I mean nearing 20 years) and not the hottest of blokes. But I think he is amazing, clever and funny. I love being around him and I love the way he looks at me. Anyway, it was short lived and he has gone back to NYC now. (He was only ever temporarily here.) Anyway, it wasn't anything major. Although saying that, he has been the only man I have liked for a year! (I have seemingly taken a year off from my love life!)

He has called a number of times since and recently I got a an offer to spend some time over there. So everything was booked, but after some deliberation, we have decided it's not the best of ideas. (So momentarily I was looking forward to new year!) I was always in 2 minds, so I thought I'd speak to him about it - I wanted to see what his reaction was. Turns out he got in there first and he was feeling the same way. Part of me understands, part of me wanted him to say 'fuck it, let's just go with it' and part of me wonders why he bothered suggesting it (and going through with buying the ticket etc.) in the first place. Surely he thought this through before inviting me? I never thought it was the best of ideas. He was asking if I had an argument otherwise, but I'm not about to start begging someone to spend time with me. The trip would have been amazing and fun, but long term I guess this is better for my sanity. There are lots of little facts I have missed out... here's one or two. He's divorced and has a bit of a reputation. I could sit here and write about all the things he's told me and all the things I've heard about him but it would be too long and drawn out.

I will always debate how much he likes me. I am done being an ego boost for men. He didn't follow through sleeping with me... does that make him a good guy (not taking advantage of a younger woman who works in the same company) or bad guy (in that he likes me but doesn't like me enough to go through with it.) He didn't follow through with the trip even though he paid for the ticket. Good guy (worried for both of us job wise, too risky) or bad guy (likes the idea that a young woman would want to spend her new year with him but doesn't like the idea enough to go through with it). Anyway I could go on and analyse both sides forever. As you can see I think far too much about things. I have just given a brief general summary of what has happened and I haven't gone into much depth either of the lead up to what happened or what words have been exchanged between us. But it could lead to one very long post. Feel free to vote on my poll on the right hand side: 'Is it ever a good idea to get involved with your boss?'

What to do for new year now...?